Tuesday, September 21, 2010

“Parking in front of the gate” syndrome

    In the South Indian city of Chennai, there exists a place which is similar to that of the Kashmir, Jafferkhanpet/Ashok Nagar. No stone throwing but just rocking. There has been a long standing border dispute between Jafferkhanpet and Ashok Nagar which share the same postal code 600083. I am literally VenCAT on the wall, so our address reads both with Jafferkhanpet and Ashok Nagar. Our Apartment, one can say is in the LOC. One of the problems that exist here is “No parking in front of the gate” syndrome. Pretty every Apartment has this board hung over its main gate and bunch of vehicles in front of it. The vehicles range from car, auto to cycle!

   Let us now dwell into the prospect of the “terror” who hails in our Apartment.  Our terror! aka ParQueen, without any care in the world, parks her vehicle in front of the gate, just when my Dad leaves in his car. I am the one who performs the function of the gate opener/closer/vehicle clearer for my dad. That is why i am lamenting here.

  Not one but four “No Parking in front of gate” boards, along with the placer’s pimpage are hung on the Apartment gate. Out of the four, two boards pimped some Soda Buddi Buddies aka Optical companies, one a textile company ( like it needed this dreaded board in this disputed area to advertise it) and last one is #epic. When people move from one place to another, the packing and moving enterprise hangs a board which signifies that it had left an indelible imprint on that particular apartment. The irony here is that he parks the truck in front of gate blocking any space that is left. What is even more #epic is that there are a few Idea Manis who stick bills on that board itself! Look what they have done, “Please Dont Park here” has become “Please Park here”

I tried the technique of Gandhigiri where Munnabhai cleans the entrance when a person repeated spits in the same place and then on seeing Munnabhai cleaning it, the guy changes his mind and he stops spitting. Days went, weeks went, months went and my biceps bulged as i had to carry the vehicle off every morning but for Sundays. Sometimes you have to use “Gaandugiri” Devil (Strictly in Madras Tamil which means “to irritate someone”) instead of Gandhigiri Angel. You can do the following

1. Pull off the air from the tyres and act as if some crow had done it.Whistling ConfusedI dont know
2. Create obstacles by placing stones and strategically planned places. Peace Sign
3. Handle with utmost “carefulness” while clearing the vehicle.Winking
4. If none of these work, move the “No Parking” board to some other place like this and then shift it somewhere. The rest will follow!Smug

“Wherever and whenever a no parking sign appears they will take an avatar and park, stick bills, spit, litter and Pee with a capital P!”

There are thick skinned cases like in mine. You just have to learn to see bullcrap as fertilizer, render them hopeless and write off these cases to Gandhi a/c. At least i can flex my biceps!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Run, Forrest! Run!

Before becoming TR, my name was 'Knockout' Nakul.. Or is it 'naakku out' Nakul?? [read ':P'] I like pwning. But that doesn't mean that I dislike getting pwned! Give and take policy ya! He he. Okay. Off to my first pwnage in this blog.

P.S in advance: You can hurl slippers. But see to that nothing disgusting or stinky is sticking to it. I'm hypersensitive to malodours, you see.

*Curtains Up*

From the bus he jumped,
Into a girl he bumped.
But he started to run.
No, it was not for fun.
He kept running as fast as he could.
His pace would have made Bolt say, "That's very good!"

On puddles he stepped, over fences he leapt.
In overcoming obstacles was he highly adept.
He was drenched in sweat,
His clothes were wet.
He shot past like a flash;
He even set foot on trash.

The weight of his bag did not slow him down,
For him 'athlete' wasn't a fitting noun.
He made several heads turn,
Making them show concern.
But he continued to run.
It was not for fun.

Untied was his shoe lace;
So rigid was his tiny face.
Pulsate did his nerves;
Ahead were many curves.
But he continued to run.
It was not for fun.

He reached his house;
Mom's anxiety did he rouse.
With his unending vroom
He rushed to the bathroom.
Oh yeah, I agree. That's so funny.
All the drama about spending a penny!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Brain numb(er)ing..

Its been a while since we addressed our faithful fan base.

We realise that we have neither fans nor a base to start posts like I have started now.In order to get all those we have our fingers crossed for(No,not free talk-time) we have to start writing posts that would interest the sole reader who is apparently 'sigh'-ing right now.

I was wondering what a handful of people do when they go crazy and have a blog'spot' to go crazy.Then it struck me! We are in fact a 'hand'ful of people.A hand has five fingers,we are five people.You do the math.

Now seriously coming to the blog post..... 

Well,we'll go back to being-not-so-serious as i tend to get serious problems in getting serious.

Coming back to numbers,I'm thinking of five weird words to express our intentions of the blog in this post since i started keying in this post,which has been futile.Ah! here we go.

Weird (Appreciate the intelligence in coining the first word):

We act weird in public,private(and protected,laugh computer engineers).That makes us draw the conclusion that we don't really act weird but we try acting normal and we desperately fail at that (# epicfail,YES twitter addiction!)

Witty(The 'W' gave me the lead):

We are gifted with a rare talent to come up with epic jokes which involve too much of sarcasm than prescribed.I can't stop laughing at the previous sentence(This is a cue for you to start laughing).We try to make a conversation but then we end up laughing or being laughed at.

Funny( Believe me,we are trying):

We are generally considered to be the people who have been drained of even the remotest ability to be funny but we proclaim we are funny and will continue to do so.We try to think creatively.Okay,we try to think.OKAY,WE TRY.

Humorous (Ha ha): 

Read the text under funny replacing funny with humorous( A pat on the back)

Lame(Ha! the truth finally):

If you think we people are jobless or lame for having come up with this whole idea of having a blog which calls itself funny and humorous but you need special filters to try and locate all the fun and humour in the blog which results is a throw of crap displaying nothing funny and humorous but the words funny and humorous,we seriously don't care.
We have a blog of ours and group of authors.We are lame? What do you have? A big fat mouth that can pronounce the word 'lame'?(Not you,solitary reader)

Seems i have filled quite some space!

If you cannot restrain yourself from saying the five-starred,four lettered,three member fancied,two member performed,one syllable word,so be it.We can't hear you from there ;)

So long and take care..

Monday, September 13, 2010

Northies guide to a Tamizh wedding meal

Hey there,
When Vignesh came up with the idea of starting a team blog, he wanted each of us to take “roles” and write posts related to that. I had a really tough time zeroing on mine. And then we unanimously decided that I write on food being the hog I am. One look at me and you may come to the conclusion that I am one of those malnourished kids (or worse, anorexic teenage model wannabes). I don’t care about that but just don’t bet on it. I can prove you so wrong if I have the stomach to. I am definitely not a glutton. I can use my fork and knife when needed. Neither am I one of those gourmet-kinds. I never stop to think about the pani that goes into my puri.

Now that I have said enough about me, let’s get on with the post. The reason I am sitting here in front of my computer on a perfectly normal Monday morning is because my college chairman’s son is getting married! (OK, the exclamation was for the holiday we got. I really don’t care if he got married or laid). Tomorrow we have a “special” lunch at our mess and I am already excited! It is rumored to be edible for a change – in a typical Tamil wedding meal style.

Another blogger Venky was really concerned about how Indians on the other side of the Vindhyas remain oh-so-ignorant about the varieties in the Tamizh cuisine. So here is Keerthi’s guide to the Tamizh wedding meal. A Tamizh wedding meal includes dishes from every corner of India and even China, so food should not be a problem for those finicky eaters.

Meals in a tamizh wedding can be broadly classified into two – The Reception meal and the actual wedding meal. The reception meal is usually held in buffet style with most of the food items not being related to Tamil Nadu or even South India for that matter. It will definitely feature Punjab-da-puttars’ favourite Paneer Butter Masala to some least Chinese-influenced Vegetable Manchurian. Jeera rice and Butter naan are staples.

The main meal is the actual wedding meal. Depending on the muhoorth time and the budget of the brides’ father, the breakfast on the wedding day can be anything from a simple filter coffee to a heavy breakfast. Before we get on to the breakfast, you have to know how we Tamil people use cutlery – We don’t. At least at a wedding. Practice using your hands to eat food before hand if you don’t want a cheeky 5 year old shouting “aiyaya! Indha maamaku saapda kooda therila”*. Food is served on a banana leaf. Begin by washing the leaf, not at the hand wash but by sprinking some water on it. Supposed to work better than Dettol. Idly and Pongal will mostly fill your leaf. You will have variety between the three different types of chutney (coconut, tomato and coriander) or the molaga podi or sambar to eat your idly with. End the meal with a steaming cup coffee.

The lunch is the best part of a Tamizh wedding. After you follow the above said leaf sanitizing methods, the guys serving would first place some salt and pickle on the right end of your leaf. That is for the curd. So save it till the end. For some strange reason unknown, the side-dishes are served before the actual rice. It will have a porial - which is basically stir-fried veggies with mustard and coconut, avial – veggies cooked in curd and coconut milk (which is actually Keralite but who cares?) and a varuval meaning fry (which would mostly be potato). A cup of curd, paayasam and sweet will occupy the small green areas unoccupied on the “other end” of the leaf. The sweet can be a laddu or badam halwa or even a totally non South-Indianish rasagulla.

Then the rice is served. Divide it into two or three parts depending on how many courses you want to eat. Sambar is first, Rasam is next and curd is always last. Use all your five fingers minus the palm to mix it well with the rice and bring all the side dishes from the “other end” to “this end” little by little. The aim is to empty both ends simultaneously. End the meal by slurping the paayasam and chewing the beeda (no, not at once).

If you are lucky enough, you might get tiffin also, which would have the typical filter coffee and Mangalore Bonda (which like its name suggests is definitely not Tamizh)

Remember never to call the guy who is serving food by snapping your sambar soaked fingers or by shouting “waiter” unless you want to call off the wedding itself. That guy can be a really enthusiastic close relative of the poor souls getting married. Also don’t empty one particular dish before the others. It will definitely result in refilling which will spoil our ultimate goal of emptying the leaf. And if you are in doubt, follow the next person!

Next time you get invited to a Tamizh wedding, starve for a day and follow this tutorial. Happy Eating!

* - “Oh! Look! This Uncle doesn’t know how to eat!”

Saturday, September 11, 2010

And thus Bheem was born.

The worst situation you’ll find yourselves in is the initial Phase of any thing that you do! settling your eye on waking uP, brushing your teeth, though you do it every day, facing the first few balls fearing you might get out the very next ball, the fore-Play :P and the exact Position, that I am finding myself now in “WRITING THE INTRO TO BLOG “P”OST and this is supposed to be my INTRO “P”OST. But now that I have come over at least 5 lines ,hoPe I begin to imPress my “solitary reader”.

I do feel it heartening to exercise my finger tiPs on my key board outside a chat box or search box after a long long time. Before I Proceed further I’ll warn my reader to think twice before becoming a fan of my works cos I am not an avid blogger like the other four: Keerthi,Venky,Vignesh and Vinay

Every fortnight when the sky is like a brand new black board, with the moon Providing the golden luminescence and the wolves howling at a distance, I GET THE IDEA TO BLOG !!so Patience is of the essence to my reader. I don't want any comPlaints from the other four saying that you guys need more and more of my master-mind.

I have no regrets of wasting your time, if you had no time you would not have reached this line! NEVER!! My Posts will not have anything sPecific, but a Parody on anything and everything that amuses me. Since this is suPPosed to be my intro Post I have run a Parody on myself!

[P.S.]: The letter P in caps is just craP!!!!!!!
[P.P.S.]: This is dedicated to the one who introduced my “Peter” side to me!!

How the pandavas started punching..

Long long ago,when Elvis Presley never dreamt of the guitar and Taliban and Al-Quaeda were still in blue prints there were 5 brothers who ruled the kingdom of Kuru.The story of their loss and regain of the kingdom was made into an epic(which the ones who never have read it continue to call so).Well, this blog is nothing about those people who did not know the difference between clover and spade.

One fine morning,someone came up with an idea to increase e-waste.So he planned to start a new blog. Wait, he remembered he already had one which was a prominent victim of rambler's block. So that would not satisfy his motto of increasing e-waste. Fortunately(not for long) 5 of them with a similar interest teamed up and here this page was born.

If you couldn't relate Paragraph one and two here's a clue.Think of a number between four and six. Another clue:not four.Another clue? Not six(hopeless)

Still thinking? Five you pea-brain.

So the five of them teamed up and hence the reference to Pandavaas. We are actually pwn da worse. (If you aren't good with internet lingo pwn is dominating or say dunking. What we mean is we Dominate the worse = worst. We are also the Pwn brokers  Without further ado we introduce the team.

Vignesh - The youngest pwner, a guy who is obsessed in being cryptic. He pwns others in the process he pwns himself. 
Pramodh - This guy will pwn cricketers cricket in general and also movies
Keerthi - She pwns herself, there is no need for further explanation
Vinay - He is the T.R of the group he pwns everyone poetically. He can make Chalk and limestone rhyme!
Venky - The oldest pwner, pwns the society. He is a mini Anniyan Ambi, who shows a hand signal to turn....... While walking! You can call him pwnerd

Here is what you will find in Punch Pwndaworse

# If you're searching for anything serious in this page, its like searching for a No-Parking sign in a parking garage.

# If you type "Humour" in google and click " I'm-not-feeling-lucky" we are more than sure that you'll land up in this page.

# This place is the genesis of all the fun.This is supposed to be our way of false advertisement.

# if you want someone to be made fun of( Ex-boyfriend/Girlfriend, Noisy neighbor,That uncle who always complains when you play cricket on the street,name it) just mail us.We'll take care of the rest.But we cannot assure that the post will be read by more than one and half humans.

#Finally,as I have run out of descriptions and I need five of them to make it look fancy I include this.

Read, laugh your ass off and spread the fun. More importantly spread this web page. If you cant you can punch us through your comments.

Naanga 5 per,engalukku mokkaya vitta vera onnum theriyadhu